Personal ANNecdotes

Melancholy

I need a friend.

I need a physical companion, someone who has a sturdy and warm shoulder to offer. I need those shoulders to cry on.

I have been going through so much that I don't know where to ask for strength at this moment.

I've been constantly praying to God. But, I am at this point where a visible listener with physical presence is most welcome.

Someone who would tell me everything will be okay inspite of all the tears that are coming down on my face. Someone who would hug me and reassure me this is just one random storm that will pass over after the night. Someone who would kiss me on the cheek and make me feel how happy it is to be loved and taken care of.

Someone who would be there for me through all ups, downs and turnarounds of my life.

I badly needed a friend and companion right now. I feel like life is closing in on me and troubles related to work and personal matters are hitting me left and right. Make it a jab and a low blow sometimes.

I feel so exhausted to the point that I want to end things now and never wake up again tomorrow.

When will all of these stop? I just wish I could finally rest, close my eyes and never see the light of day again.

But, giving up on life is a cowardly stance. Lashes and pitfalls will appear out of nowhere every now and then. I wish I could be the exact replica of that companion whom I have been longing to have.

I wish to find you as early as now.

My Old Self in Social Media

Here's proof that I am just like any man or woman out there - - a social media account.

Let me call that a soon-to-be defunct social media account. A few days ago, I've formally declared myself an antagonist of this multimedia platform. But, there are far too many beautiful (and painful) memories that were contained in this one. I just don't have enough strength to finally hit the 'Delete Account' button and say good riddance to it once and for all.

Several nights ago, 2 or 3 months to be precise, I went on addict mode and decided to take screenshots of my old posts. Most were taken way back 10 years ago, in 2009 to be exact.

Looking back made me realize how EMO I was back then. The emotional spirit cannot help itself but, manifest in my younger self posts.

A month after his death, Facebook had successfully reached our humble publication office. It started with one of my former editors. They initiated the craze of getting ourselves signed up, geared up and posted on this social media site. I was still nursing a broken heart then. So, please excuse the melancholy noted on the first two statuses.

"The cosmos has dictated our fate."

Cosmos is another word for 'universe.' I knew back then that the world had its reasons for certain events. I have fully resigned myself that time to the idea that we were never meant to be together in this lifetime. You need to understand that I am far from recovering from his unexpected demise that time.

The post was created almost 3 months after he died. Behind that lonely status is a young girl who cried almost every hour wondering how she would get herself through to another day. Every day, she imagined how she would die just to be with him. To push the suicidal thoughts and find the strength to move on, she had decided to go to the nearest church or prayer room to contemplate and ask God for courage.

It went on for several more years with her getting close to thinking that she may be going insane. But, as life went on, she matured and understood that it was part of the moving on stage. When your heart is broken, you need to be kind to yourself by allowing the tears to flow. It's better to have a confidante to tell your stories to. In my case, I turned to blogging when I felt some of my trusted friends are getting drained.

Loneliness is a powerful emotion. It will rub on to other people even when they are on hype mode. I knew back then that people can only take so much of one's pain and anxiety. You need to throw it to a neutral medium such as a blog account or a personal journal to let all of the emotions out.

"True love knows no space, boundary or time."

When you love someone, the feeling resides in the heart even when the physical presence is gone. As the one left behind, you have no choice but to savor and remember every remnant and memory that the one you love has implanted in your mind.

You thought a year is enough to recover, until, you find yourself counting on to days, months and years that go by. Moving on is not time sensitive. Only the brokenhearted will understand when the time to move on has come. In my case, it took me 4 painful years to finally let go and breath normally again.

Loneliness can be emotionally suffocating. It's like getting your hands, feet and heart tied hoping you can get yourself moving. But, you are left to stay in the same old place until the time to get going has arrived.

I was also wishing and praying to God back then to allow me to speak to him. If I were in my normal mind, I would have never asked Him to grant that wish. I would be scared to the bones knowing I am seeing and conversing with spirits of dead people.

Reality bites because we know we have no means of relaying our messages from the physical to the spiritual realms. I even bought a book more than a year after hoping it would teach how to speak to the dead. James Van Praagh is lucky enough to have it.

Apparently, it wasn't a gift that most people had. It takes the gift of being a spiritual medium to speak to them. James van Praagh was a lucky guy.

I ended up giving it to one of my friends in my current industry. We met a year after her mother died. She had a lung disease which caused her untimely demise.

I knew she needed the book more than I did. It had been sitting on our shelf, dusty and almost forgotten for years. I have already moved on by the time we met. So, I have given the book to her because it will help with the coping process.

Sometimes, reminiscing the past helps you remind yourself of who you were, who you are and who you will be in the coming years. When you know you have surmounted an almost impossible mountain, you will have the confidence to conquer and overturn future challenges awaiting you ahead.

By the way, I have already learned the cause of my persistent backache for days. When the results came out, it turned out that I had lumbar scoliosis.

I know this is another challenge that I need to surmount. But, since I am looking forward to preparing our breakfast tomorrow, I will have to temporarily rest my pen.

See you, better self. Life will only get better ahead.

A Week without Mom

A few hours ago, my mother requested me to book her a Grab ride to NAIA terminal 3. Mind you, the amount was hefty. Her ride costed 433 pesos even on a GrabShare slot.

Like a giddy girl, my mom had been looking forward to this one. She is destined to go to Leyte, her childhood home.

My mom, of course, is a true blood Bisaya. Even after spending years in Manila, her Bisaya accent is unmistakably distinct when she is not conscious with what she is saying. My sister, the third among a brood of 4 girls, would often tease her when she catches her off guard. She would often shove her and declare with conviction that she hailed from Tacloban. The accent will remain for as long as she lives.

Honestly, I am beginning to miss her a lot. She had been just a few hours away from home and her absence is felt really bad. I'm not used to being in the house without her.

I'm not saying I'm a perfect daughter. We randomly have squabbles every now and then, when she successfully ticks off my patience. For some unknown reason, only my mom is good enough to unleash the 'beast' in me. I can't help shooting stinging words when the beast mode turns on. The end result would be, her crying helplessly because the 'rude' daughter had forgotten who is the child and who is the mother. Call it 'biological hierarchy.' I'm sorry. Sometimes, I forget being careful with words when in rage mode.

I was planning to go with her. But, the reality of being a working girl holds me accountable to my deliverables. I can't disappear in the office for a full good week without spending much of my vacation leaves.

My relationship with my mother is the perfect mix of what you call a 'love-hate relationship.' Sometimes, I hate her. Especially when she points out things in the past which happened eons ago (excuse the hyperbole). There have been things that you've outgrown in the past as a child and a teenager. But, she keeps bringing them back like they happened just a few minutes ago. I also hate it when she goes on the nonstop frenzy of scolding you all day. I end up leaving the house or nooking silently in a corner, quietly listening to her rants and praying endlessly for her to stop. The situation gets better for me when I am out of the house. But, lo and behold, she is still not done upon your return. And the worst part? It gets extended the next day and even the whole week with her nerves on the rise whenever she sees you.

Call me a masochist. But I guess, that is also my mother's charm. I am so used to her attitude that it's something I miss in her when she's not around.

Yet, most of the time, I am in love with her. Especially when she prepares us breakfast, cleans the house, tidies our beddings, folds our clothings and calls up every time we go home late at night. My work as an IT support dictated a non-conventional clock. Sometimes, I will have to stay up late for a meeting with our US counterparts. Of course, you know the drill. We, Filipinos, do the adjustment most of the time. So, if I am starting to become an insomniac, blame it on the crazy body clock which my current work developed in me. I end up missing her momentary phone calls, missed calls and text messages whenever I am not yet at home.

Sometimes, I would fondly call her 'Mama' for no reason. I miss being her little girl. I would love to cuddle her close like nobody else meant more in this world. But, my current body size wouldn't allow me to curl up safely in her arms lest, she gets crushed with the latest weight I have.

I miss being safe and secure in her gentle arms. I know that one of the safest places in this world is a mother's arms. I am currently going through a lot of tough times in my work and my personal life. Quarter life crisis may be slowly hitting me now.

My current relationship status may never be called 'conventional.' An adult my age is expected to get married, have kids and join the good housewife club at this point. But, I am an NBSB with almost zero plans of getting hitched at the moment.

Sometimes, I wonder how my mom triumphed over her married and parent stages. For someone like me who had never been in a relationship, marriage is a serious commitment. It's some thing you don't want to mess with if you still have plenty of plans in life.

Probably, I was lucky for not meeting Mr. Right yet at this point. But, I may have also met him. However, it was him who was not ready for me. Since marriage is indeed a commitment, I can see her sticking up to it even if loving my father was hard sometimes. I'm not sure if it would be easy for me by the time the right one asks for my hand.

Going back, since my mom would be gone for the week, I am expecting the house to be in minor ruckus. Of course, I would deal with the simple task of putting things in their places and sweeping the floors now and then. I also take care of the dishes when she is not there. But, since I cannot stay for long in the house and I also have tasks in my work, I really cannot spend enough time to keep things spic and span.

She knows what to expect by the time she comes back. And my same old mother would be in riot mode when she sees the house all jumbled and in shambles.
 😂😂😂

2019.05.23

Insomniac's Pondering

I am starting to get into the habit of staying until the wee hours of the night and hooked into my personal blackhole - - my blog.

A blackhole, according to science, is the remnants of the explosion of a supermassive star after closing in on its own gravitational force. (Whew! Spare me the epistaxial moment. Thank you NASA for the flabbergasting definition.)

To me, this blog allows me to be in constant touch with my inner self - - that part which you choose to hush when you engage in the corporate rat race.

Honestly, I am beginning to get suffocated with how the workplace moves. People find it hard to believe in honest reasoning when a person takes absence for quite some time.

Blame it on the excruciating back ache I've been experiencing for several days now. I sought the service of a masseuse to take care of the chronic 'lamig' invading my muscles and lumps. It turned out, things got worse than expected. Here I was hopeful to finally rid myself of the annoying pain disturbing my serene being, only to find out, I'll end up being SL for 2 days and working from home on the remaining ones.

What disturbed me is the fact that I have several emails and tickets piled up to be worked on (as expected). My teammates, after learning I was active and responded every now and then, took advantage of the situation and followed me up on my pending deliverables. That's why I immediately told my lead I could not afford to be out sick for the remaining days. I have lots of 'ardent' (read:suki) clients to take care of.

But, it is so hard to be active and productive when you are feeling excruciating pain behind you. Now, I've realized that it is hardest to concentrate when you are experiencing extreme backache. I have also worked on occassions while having coughs and colds. But, back pain is by far, the most irritating and undeniably, a productivity culprit I have encountered so far.

I wanted to understand what's wrong with my body. My mom said this could be persistent 'lamig.' But, I can't help anticipating the worst conditions so far. I am starting to think this could be scoliosis, slip disc or a minor back injury. Yet, at the end of the day, I wanted it to end up as a persistent 'lamig' instead.

Am I stressed over my piled up deliverables? Or is it because of the heartache which remains hidden within the confines of my soul? (Too deep. I don't want this to turn melancholic.)

Somehow, the monologue I am having with myself through this blog is helping me overcome and face the adverse situations I am in now.

I hope my lead sees my efforts in trying to get myself to the next level. But, the past few days, I admit screwing up due to the mixed physical and emotional turmoils I found myself in now.

Nobody wanted this situation. Yet, challenges come in once in a while to test and help us endure.

For now, I will pause with this random wondering. I am starting to feel Hypnos' charm lulling me close to sleep...

2019.05.22

Of Appalling Figures and Numbers

The Financial Literacy Madness


I was planning to sleep early today to prepare for tomorrow's battle. The onslaught will be heavy since I am required to make up for lost time while teaching for a bootcamp next week.

Enter my sister who asked for my help in proofreading her term paper. Honestly, I ended up doing some of the hefty work since she wasn't really patient when it comes to paperworks.

Surprisingly, her topic centered on one of those which I am particularly interested on - - FINANCIAL LITERACY. And the words from her research articles hit me like home.

1 percent - - that's the total number of the population who religiously invests and makes passive income in the stock market. While our country is lucky enough to have the youngest demographics in the world, 41 percent of the current millenial generation do not know the importance of saving and allocating funds for the future. Imagine having an average of at least 23 years old joining the workforce.

In my current industry, we have at least 20-year old fresh grads coming in to the team. Imagine if this group would work on saving, then later on investing to improve their current financial state. The number of these individuals could help raise the current economic state of their country. Needless to say, the government and some private institutions have been continuously working to open the eyes of this sect of the population to become financially literate. Some of these institutions include, but are not limited to, the Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas (BSP), Colfinancial Group, BDO and BPI. Similarly, insurance companies such as Sunlife of Canada Inc. and Pru Life UK promoted insurance policies to these yuppies in hopes of investing their hard earned money for a better future.

I would have to say that I am part of those who learned about saving and investing a little bit late in my life. I know for a fact that saving is important to keep some funds for the rainy days. However, as time progressed, life made me realize the reality of inflation. Savings in one's bank account will decrease in value over time due to the continued increase of prices, especially on basic commodities and services.

Enter my sister again who had decided to become financially literate and introduced a well-known investment vehicle - - Colfinancial Group Inc. The company was first known to me as Citisec Online. I have been following Bo Sanchez since college and he talked about this SEC-certified investment company several years ago.

What appealed to me for joining Colfinancial was the idea of cost averaging method. The concept was simple - - you purchase stocks for a given company over time and watch your money grow exponentially as it progresses. Another appealing term was exponential. This meant you don't have fixed growth. Rather, your investment may boom to at least twice, triple or more than quadruple your base investment over time. Amazing, right? But, there will be highs and lows. For a given month or months, the value of your stocks may increase or decrease depending on the performance of the stock market. Some individuals recommended going for stocks owned by companies foreseen to be surviving up to 50 years and hence. Honestly, I am not an expert in this niche. I can go over the jargons and explain them in text book definition. But, my blog post is not dedicated to infiltrate you with stock market jargons. I was aiming to rub in the idea of the appalling figures seen on my sister's research.

The main goal of financial literacy is to promote saving for the future. Surprisingly, a 2017 research from BSP cited 77 per cent of the current population remain unbanked these days. 52 percent of the same study group had no savings to work with from the start.

The slim figures may be attributed to the lack of banking facilities and offices in rural and remote areas. Some of these folks had to travel several miles in order to get to the nearest bank in their area. Hopefully, the technological advancement we have nowadays can help promote online banking. The government needs to understand the limitations of physical banking services in these far flung areas as well.

I was truly amazed and disappointed at the same time while going over my sister's research. It made me realize that the Philippines has a long way to go before obtaining financial freedom. In a land where the parents treat their children as investments and have little regard for their future financial wellness, it is not surprising to see why the millenial generation had not been taught well to save and invest for their future.

And while we remain having the "one-day millionaire mindset, " it wouldn't be a surprise if in the coming years, the same tradition of parents making their children their future investment will continue to prevail. I am not saying we should forget the value of "debt of gratitude." Yet, how long are we planning to live this sickening tradition?

The generation nowadays is slowly opening their eyes and have become aware of the currently prevailing financial mindset we have on the country. It can be observed that most couples or singles choose to establish financial stability prior to entering marriage. Marriage is not a state of euphoria - - it's a solid decision with real and crucial responsibilities that come along with it. Daily expenses and budget, child birth and pregnancy, monthly checkups, sickness and death are expected just to name a few.

Here is looking forward to a more financially literate nation in the coming years ahead. For now, the basic thing is to stick on generating savings. You can invest when you have more than enough on your plate.

05.21. 2019

In My Dreams

Are you awake or soundly asleep?
For my eyes refused to shut on this quiet evening.
My mind kept on asking,
Should I be brave and take that step toward you?

You are but one Messenger and Facebook chat away,
But my fingers hesitate in pressing that button for Wave.
I know you are actively dating this girl,
And will not waste a minute to give me a nod or turn.

Would it be too much to ask for a Hi?
Would you misunderstand if I said hello,
Then, typed in 'What' s Up? '
In a modern world where people are just one click away,
Why is it hard to let you hear the words I' ve wanted to say.

I feel like a teenage girl trapped in a woman's body,
Whose hands get clammy when her crush is near.
Yes, my heart is wildly thumping whenever I sense you are here.
And my words go gibberish when I know you can hear me.

I'm torn between saying I miss you,
Can I hold you?
I want to know you more.
Please let me into your heart and allow me to caress those wounds.

Please don't misunderstand my feelings.
I can love you for good.
I am sincere and loyal, trustworthy and worth keeping.
Please let me in sweetheart and let me fill your lover's part.

05.19.2019

I am so embarrassed to admit this. But, I guess I have internally told myself, 'You' re officially back to blogging. ' Welcome back, sucker!

Since I am now religiously posting and checking my account, I have decided to also go over some of my old followers and blog friends' posts. Most have been on hiatus for more than a year. I even read one post from Pam in 2011 saying she is finally saying goodbye to blogging.

What saddened me is the fact that she had regarded blogging as a 'childish activity.' I completely disagree with this mindset and have never regarded my posts as part of my childish dreams and idealistic goals.

Our current emotional and mental state as writers cannot help themselves from manifesting in our blog posts. We have to accept the reality of it.

Our blogs reflect who we currently are as people. I remember almost deleting my blog accounts several years ago. I thought my previous posts no longer fit who I currently am as a person. People who have been ardently following my posts will definitely note the difference between the Rcyan then and the Rcyan now versions.

But, like all writers, our creations also grow in time with us. Literary and prose versions change and mature as the author does. So, if my purist and ideal self then has been diverted to the angsty and nasty real deal now, forgive the new language and the inexcusable metaphors.

It takes a lot of courage,(yes, that's also bravery) , to acknowledge and admit what you feel at the moment. Others go to band aid solutions like liquor, drugs, animal partying and causing ruckus to divert themselves from the pains of their world. There are only a few individuals who instead of drowning the emotional voices in their head, pause and find silence to get in touch with their innermost selves. Yes, this means facing your personal traumas. And yes, this means shedding uncontrollable tears and acknowledging your deepest fears when you can just escape them.

I believe escaping loneliness is a sign of immaturity. Going for band aid options is definitely a childish deed. But writers and bloggers, choose to face their painful realities. And the best part of it is, beauty through prose and literature comes into being. Thank God for all those writers and artists who make beauty out of pain!

I also don't post because I feel I am required to. Writing is not a requirement. I consider my blog as my safe haven from the prying social media world. I do not post because I am conscious that my followers will stop reading my verses every now and then.

Blogging is not a job. It's a passion. You can leave the other days empty when you don't feel the itch to create an anecdote.

This is my quiet zone. This is the best downtime and diversion from the noise and cacophony in my IT workload. I will only publish a note when my head and heart tells me to (in chorus). So, if it will take me a few days before crafting another post, then so be it! My current blog goal is not to impress. I returned to blogging to express my innermost, silenced self.

I may get back to journal writing even in a few days. But, for now, I have no plans of leaving my safe haven.

I am not even sure if someone is reading my random anecdotes. But, for now, my letters on this empty sheet are helping me heal my wounded soul.

05.19.2019

The decision to update my blog for the third time was inevitable. From Ponderings and Musings, I have decided to change it to Feature Writer at Work.

To keep up with time and my current emotional state, I've changed it to 'SAFE HAVEN.' For writers like me, I know it will be easy to relate.

We rely so much on our power to create literary and prose to find our safe and beautiful world. And the small part of the population also takes solace in our words, because we use them to heal the bruised and wounded part of our souls.

I know there is little chance for the entire world to see my creation. But, I will keep on updating and uploading posts every now and then.

These posts give my heart so much comfort knowing that there is an empty sheet of paper listening to my pain and sorrow. People will get tired of listening when you take your emotions to them. You may even be accused of causing emotional drain by sharing that 'dampening effect' unto those who are experiencing sunny days.

We can't always be a ray of sunshine to those around us. Sometimes, we have to take the backseat, close the curtains and allow the silence to reveal the innermost turmoils of our soul. It is in silence that we become most honest and vulnerable to the wounds we choose to ignore. It's because we have the world looking on our every word and action.

I am terribly missing that person who had successfully invaded my subliminal thoughts. My blog is the best diversion to keep myself away from prying eyes and judging minds when you post statuses in social media now and then.

I still don't have plans of going back to my social media accounts. I need to be fully honest and clear with myself. Discernment is dampened when you have too much distraction around you.

The question is whether I truly love him or not. If no, I will take it as a teenage infatuation which will eventually fade with time. If yes, then what is the next best move?

Should I take it to the next level and initiate a connection with him? I am not the best love advice guru. I admit being a novice due to lack of actual relationship experiences.

But, to love is to take risks every now and then. Should I then go for it and not waste my time asking random questions here and there?

Subliminal Thoughts

You know when someone had successfully conquered your unconscious mind.

For unknown reasons, that familiar face comes flashing through your imagination, even without deliberately thinking about that person.

Sometimes, you wonder, was it really you who is thinking about him/her? What if it was the other way around?

You are busy with pre-occupying yourself with too much stuff, work, hobby - - petty alibis just to take your mind from thinking about that person. Just a mere memory can stir familiar emotions that may signal pain, tears, sadness and regret. And so, to get yourself out of that pitiful situation, you give yourself every lame excuse to take your thoughts to every available diversion.

But, surprisingly, that face comes popping out of nowhere from your subliminal thoughts. You get yourself wondering: how is that even possible? Without giving serious thought, your mind takes you off to those beautiful, but, painful memories. You've been longing to forget them because you don't want to get yourself hurt again. Defense mechanism - - it's a natural human instinct. Protecting yourself from emotional injuries, such as heartache, is a typical reaction when you go through separation anxiety.

Yet, I never considered myself the best authority when it comes to giving love advice. It may be hard to believe but, I have remained in the NBSB stage since day 1.

I used to be picky with suitors. So from 1 to 3, we went down to nil. I'm just not yet ready to be in a relationship that time. But, I can't help asking myself, when will you ever be ready?

When he came into the picture, I felt I've found my long, lost soulmate. We are similar in a lot of ways even when it comes to our personal interactions. But, I can never really tell whether he liked me or not. There was no verbal confirmation so I chose not to assume much.

Now that he's gone, I am left to pick the shattered pieces of my heart. It's back to square one again and to figuring out what I really wanted in a partner. But, since I've gotten used to being single, will I ever need one? Will I be able to open my heart when I finally get to meet the right one?

For now, I will be resting my head and sleep over these thoughts. Tomorrow may bring that much awaited answer.

Time check: 05:21 a.m. So much for giving these thoughts a random run through. I need to sleep to make up for several days of lack of it.

(Because the emo in me has successfully unleashed itself, I have decided to go back to some of my old drafts which were never published several years back. Here's one of them.) 

So here I found myself writing another melancholic piece again... I'm trying to regenerate the dead brain cells that are pushing me to doze off to wonderland. 

It has been 4 years, 2 months and 7 days since I decided to write about you again. You bet by now that I have not moved on at this point yet. 

Is there a way to describe the pain of losing someone? For me there is no one word or set of words to accurately say what it feels.

Imagine finding yourself crying almost every minute and hour every single day. Sometimes, you find yourself wondering, will there be an end to this? How a sad song or particular memory stirs a tearjerking moment in your once silent life. How a simple word or scent sends you remembering a person who used to be there, but will never be present ever again, no matter how hard you wish for it to happen.

How you wished life was as easy as one, two, three like having a genie, serving at your beck and call when you need someone to be there. But, life, ironically challenges even the bravest of hearts. It tests your resilience especially, when you are at your most vulnerable. And yes, it is driving me nuts that I end up making run-on sentences in this random piece.

I wish I would grow up soon to finally forget you. But, the child in me is holding on desperately to your memory. You know when something as fascinating and beautiful becomes part of your life. You don't want it to stop. Until, someone removes the plug. You'll end up realizing you are existing mainly due to a life machine which can end up your life pretty easily the moment the power goes out.

I am now experiencing the withdrawal symptoms of living without you. This may last not only a few days, months or several years hence. When a person becomes part of your existence, the memory lingers like a lifetime imprint on the soul.

It will take a while before I have completely gotten over you. For now, let me rest my pen and my heart. I am not sure if I will find the strength to love again in the coming years of my existence. 

Sa isang sulok ng mundo,
Kung saan ako maaaring magtago.
Sa mga alaala ng kahapon,
Sa mga luhang idudulot nito.

Sa walang hanggang katahimikan,
Sa kaluluwang nalulunod sa kalungkutan.
Sa katotohanang maaaring wala ng bukas,
Dahil ang naiwa'y kahapong walang bakas.

Nang marinig ko ang huling hakbang mo,
Patungo sa labas ng pinto.
Inisip kong mayroon pa bang babalikan?
Ni bakas ng anino mo'y 'di ka nag-iwan.

Wala akong masabi kundi tignan ka lang,
Habang nadudurog ang puso kong nakatanaw sa kawalan.
Pinilit kong sabihin sa' yo kahit sa sulat lang,
Ngunit walang natanggap na tugon o pagsinta.

Naiwan ang sakit ng pangungulila,
Sa sinisintang 'di na makakasama kahit kailan.
Alam kong wala kang balak tumugon sa ' king pagmamahal,
Kaya hayaan mo akong kalimutan ka at lumaban.

Paunti-unti,
Pasaglit-saglit.
Araw-araw,
Buwan-buwan.
Hanggang wala ng sakit.
Hanggang wala ng pait.
Hanggang wala ng alaalang,
Magpapaluha sa ' king mata...

5.02. 2019

Social Media Antagonist

A week ago, I made a brave, unofficial self-declaration - - I am officially boycotting my social media accounts. Honestly, I don't miss it totally, like something important just went out of my life. So far, I have been successful in not opening or posting on it for more than a week.

Instead, the number of hours saved from social media browsing made me more present with my 'real' life.

I don't know with you but, I suddenly felt that social media is just online gossip readily made available. You waste minutes and hours of your time checking what is your friend's current #OOTD, where your high school or elementary classmate went off to for vacation, and what this or that politician said that suddenly enraged the entire nation. I can still list a few but, I don't want to go further. We also have a lot of "humble" bragging which is still bragging in spite of the first word connected to it. When did bragging become humble anyway?

I felt suffocated and smothered with thousands of certificates, competitions and seminars and conventions that my friends in my social media accounts have posted.

Certificates are just papers. They don't tell a person's character. Competitions are just icings on top. Seminars are good investments but, don't necessarily have to be posted. Unless, you are planning to share what you gained from attending those.

I understand the happiness felt when achieving your goal. But, do you always need to post it and tell the f*ck*ing world who doesn't care whether you have just received an interstellar award from a far off universe? As if the world cared from which interplanetary constellation was your recognition taken from.

(Sorry, I didn't mean to be to extremely mean at this point. I just don't get it when people keep doing it. It's okay to post probably once or twice about your achievements. But, rubbing it on everyone's face all the time is definitely a PAIN in the *ss.)

And yes, I am also trying to forget and move on. I needed a breather. I needed a space with enough ventilation to allow me to take in as much oxygen needed to rejuvenate my existence. Social media has become an official thief in taking your presence in your real life.

You decide to like, share and post memes, quotes and random thoughts while forgetting, you have an actual existence to work on instead. Personal interactions are replaced with online chatting. When was the last time you went out to meet and see your friends? Are you content with just seeing pictures and have forgotten what being with the real person felt?

Social media, ironically, is not bridging gaps the way it was originally designed for. No amount of online interaction can replace the warmth of personal connections. I honestly wanted to see my friends in person and use social media to connect and invite them over. But, you will realize the lack of rapport and personal touch when your interactions to them get limited online and it becomes frequent over time.

Blogging is different for me, of course. It allows me to be in touch with my soul and my real passion - - WRITING. I have decided to touch base with what really matters to me and to abandon those that don't.

I guess, the minimalist attitude is finding its way as part of my lifestyle. I am beginning to minimize time wasters and give my brain enough thinking time to ponder things through and see why I have been going circles but, not getting anywhere.

I have been planning to deactivate them completely. But, there are a lot of beautiful memories stored through pictures and posts there. I guess, I will have to stay with boycotting them for the meantime. After retrieving all that's needed, it's time to delete and say goodbye.

05.11.2019

Two years have passed since my last post. As I am writing this entry, I am currently stuck in traffic.

Hard to believe. I am just 5 minutes away from my home. The estimated time of arrival is at 1:56 a.m. Time check: 2:06 a.m. Yes, I am already 10 minutes past the expected arrival in my home.

The driver did his part in running a few knots faster than the average speed requirement. Only to find us both stuck on the road with these trucks along the highway. I am tempted to get myself out of the car and hurry walking toward my house. Inevitable. Like fate destined us to be stuck here for eternity.

My mind is shouting open the door. But, I feel so much pity for the driver who graciously offered me a ride in this rain-stricken morning.

I busied myself with listening to relaxing, coffee book songs. But, the impatience of getting myself home, cleaned, and lain peacefully in bed is pestering my inner calm. I can't relax when I know for a fact that I am several minutes away from my home. Sad. I turned to other things like checking my online accounts.

And then, I figured, it will be best to check my blog post. It was really hard to believe that the blog account I have abandoned for years had my latest post at more than a thousand views.

I am not saying I hate writing. Prose and poetry have always been my passion since I was 10 years old. But, some of my posts reflected the naive, innocent and idealist me several years ago. I have grown so much with time that I've felt this blog is no longer a perfect fit for me.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe all I needed to do was embrace the change in me due to progression. My recent blog posts may now seem a starking contrast to the old self reflected in my articles a few years ago.

But, all of these is part of me. The words, the letters, the ideas - - they all belong to me. And all I needed to was embrace the fact that we cannot stay IDEAL.

Circumstances, experiences and heartaches change us. Sometimes, the pain may even harden our hearts.

But, as we grow older, pain, frustration, sadness and loss of faith happen along the way. It is all up to us to pick up the shattered, sometimes, filthy pieces to make a whole version of a new self. People are always hopeful for a positive conversion. But, sometimes, the toughening of the heart is needed to survive.

You can't always stay kind. You can't always stay highly optimistic. The fear of failure helps set alarms and cautions to avoid wrecklessly making decisions. You know you have no one but you to keep and pick the pieces that will be shattered helplessly.

So, even if I am helplessly coping with a broken dream and heart at this point, I am positive that this situation will make a better version of me. Look at how I turned my current situation around. Here I am stuck in traffic. Yet, I found the diversion a perfect time to write another random musing to pass my time.

But, as I am close to ending this piece, here I am hoping to get myself finally home, lain peacefully in bed and snoozing within a few minutes as fast as I can. It's 2:31 now and we are still on the road having small talks now and then. 😢😭