5.02. 2019
I am finding it hard to find my happiness without you. Somehow, the future I have envisioned with a loving father and partner included you in it.
I don't know how to start yet with recalibrating my mind to avoid thinking of you. I just can't help dying a little each day because I can no longer see you in the office every working day.
I'm sad but, reality bites. The only best option left for me is to move on.
Even if it means crying momentarily every now and then. Even if it means coping with the emptiness you feel knowing it takes deliberate, brave action to see you once again.
Even if it means I can't rely on fate or destiny to cross our paths again. Even if it means giving up on the future I have dreamt of seeing with you in it.
Even if it means abandoning my social media accounts just to avoid seeing your profile, posts and everything that reminds me of you. I'm sick of remembering you every, single day. But, I know moving on takes a while. It's not something that happens in a snap of a finger, a blink of an eye, or a breath of fresh air. For as long as I can remember, there will always be that inevitable pain when your absence makes its presence known in my life.
But, I will cry as often and as hard as I can. I will keep on reminiscing those times I've been with you, seen you, talked with you and joked with you.
I will keep on doing these things until my heart goes numb from the sorrow and the pain. Until it develops that strong defense and armor to get used to feeling that sharp, stinging wound being opened again and again and again, everytime I remember you. Until I get so sick of feeling the anguish and the loneliness enough to pull me out of this empty shell.
By then, I will just laugh at myself for being so foolish into thinking my future is one with you in it.
But for now, let me heal myself through these letters. I know you won't have the time or curiosity to read them. And this world will remain my safe haven from the pain you never intended to give me in the first place.
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