Crazy Insomniac Cycle
The wound which cannot be seen is the hardest and longest to heal.
I am not okay. I know I'm good at pretension. It makes everyone think I am fine. But in reality, I am better off dead.
My current emotional condition is in constant turmoil. This is pretty similar to my experience ten years ago.
Part of my soul is crying out to the heavens to hear me out. I lost my ideal companion and he is somewhere wandering far.
I know he is just one Messenger away. But, somehow, it's hard to break the ice when you know you're not close to him in the first place.
I know his existence will be fine without me. But, as for me, it will take some time before I can go back to my original state - - the girl with the placid mind and stable emotion to get through with life.
Life was easier before we met, Raymond. It's not your fault why I have suddenly turned this way. But, when you entered the picture, life became more vivid and colorful beyond my expectation.
You make me smile for no reason. You make my heart thump just at the sight of you. And, you make me miss you like crazy when I don't get to see you.
Life was easier but, less lively before you stepped in to change the monochromatic hues. I was used to the comfortable state that my heart had been in before I learned your existence.
You make me happy for no apparent reason. Just your very presence several meters from me in the room makes me feel alive and giddy because I know you are there. Raymond, life had changed its meaning the moment you became part of my quiet world.
But, you are also one of those people who can change me from a jolly, love stricken girl to a lonely, helpless, crying lady when you get out of my life.
Call this an 'internal emotional concussion.' This kind of wound takes longer than expected to heal. In physical terms, blood clot prevents proper circulation. When things don't work as expected, it becomes harder to fix and more difficult to bear because we don't see the bleeding to apply the best medication.
In my case, the best medicine to cure my pain is just YOU.
I know you will never have the time or curiosity to read my letters to you. But, just in case you come across one of these one day, I just want to say, 'I love you.' I miss you so much that I can't wait to hug you and accept you wholeheartedly with open arms.
I know you are also wounded and in pain. But, I want to be the salve to soothe that pain away.
Raymond, I miss you so much. I am no longer ashamed to say your name. Maybe, one day, I could whisper it tenderly to your ears. Maybe one day, I could finally wipe away those tears. Maybe, one day, we will finally meet again.
Maybe, when that day comes, I am finally able to touch your cheeks, kiss your lips, melt your heart and let you know that I am here to take your sadness away.
Maybe, when that day comes, we can finally become one and make our own little family which we will protect and serve.
Maybe, one day, I can finally convince myself in sending you that random Messenger message just to ask if you are doing okay.
Maybe, just maybe,I don't have to write these words in a blank HTML sheet and let you hear them from my lips instead.
Maybe, I will finally stop thinking about these maybes and focus on gaining your attention instead.
For now, let me rest my eyes and close off my mind from thinking about the imaginary events which I would not have at the moment. But, I wish you would hold me tightly in my dreams tonight. Make it a morning, instead.
(2:54 a.m.PST)
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