Personal ANNecdotes

Love will Find a Way

    Do you believe in the idea of love finding a way? I used to believe in it when I was younger - - a naivete bombarded with idealistic concepts.

  Time taught me better. It went from one disappointment to another, one heartache to the next to have the lessons sink in. The stupid girl got her heart broken time and again without getting herself into a clear relationship in the first place. The closest one was getting into a 'mutual understanding' stage with a former teammate.

     It ended with the guy telling her he may not be the right one for her. That she is better off meeting another person who will be her 'Mr. Right.'

     So, what exactly is wrong with me? I guess, it was due to a childhood trauma that I had a hard time dealing with. Since this is my silent confine in this virtual space, then it wouldn't hurt spilling the beans here.

     I was 'almost' raped. I can clearly remember the event when I was still a young girl. One of our close relatives was with us and initiated a game with me and my sister. It was a game that involved 'private parts' stimulation.

      He touched us here and there and rubbed his own on our 'private spot.' I was a kid back then. I had nil knowledge about sex, foreplay and sexual stimulation. So, the play went on without us understanding he was already taking advantage of our innocence. He was close to taking off our underwears when my father entered the scene. He went upstairs to check on us which stopped our relative from completing his 'lascivious act.'

     I never had the courage to tell my parents about this painful memory. I was left to suffer in silence, gagged the truth and lived in torment all my teenage and college years. The feeling of seeing sex as dirty has been deeply imbued in my mind. 

   Whenever a guy classmate or friend started showing more than ' filial affection,' I would end up drawing away, moving further and running from him without acknowledging his feelings. I had several guys who showed me they really cared for me and would like me to be their girlfriend. But, the cycle of being on defense mode and running away went on.

       I was close to seeking professional psychological help when I became a professional myself. The childhood trauma cannot help but, manifest itself in all my 'non-filial' interactions. I wanted to open up and give myself - - mind, heart, body and soul to my future man. But, I cannot convince myself to trust in any man completely - - not when a male from their very own species had almost taken the most essential part of my feminity. He took my innocence, my freedom and my ability to love and trust another of his species because of his selfishness.

      It was hard to believe in the idea that a man would love, protect and cherish me. It is difficult for those who never went through this experience to understand how hard it is for me to have a relationship. Relationships involve commitments - - close ties which will involve holistic sharing of yourself. Mind, heart and soul will not suffice. There will come times when the body needs to also manifest the desire to be one with your partner. My trauma had dissociated the aspect of me physically sharing myself to my beloved.

     Kissing and foreplay would be difficult. Most importantly, showing my vulnerability is almost close to impossible. I cannot soften up and show my beloved that I need him, want him and care for him. The defense caused by my childhood trauma created a strong enclosure preventing men from getting to the softest, most vulnerable parts of my soul. This is why I have always informed my friends that my reason for not having a partner boils down to 'trust issues.' I don't want to see myself helpless, clueless and feeling like a rotten scumbag the way I did when I was younger.

     I have always prayed to God to give me a man who will have enough courage to break and tear my strong enclosure. I am not a damsel in distress. But, I am currently encaged in an invisible fortress that men find hard to penetrate.

     I have always believed that love will indeed find a way. That one day, someone would be brave enough to break these walls and free my heart from the loneliness it feels.

      But, it always ends up with liking someone wholeheartedly, unable to express my affection and seeing that future partner disappear into oblivion. I really don't want to cry anymore. Yet, I guess, it would be good to finally face my fears, listen to these repressed emotions and allow myself to be free from these emotional shackles. I know I've been hurt and disappointed time and again. And that ideal partner whom I have imagined my future with, just left without knowing how much I 've wanted to have a life and future with him.

      I know he has been actively dating girls now and then, even during work hours. Sometimes, I wish he would find the time to ask me out. Maybe then, he would stop searching around because he had finally found the one. But, I am scared and up to now, cannot push myself to even press the 'Wave' button on Messenger. I really hate myself for being a coward.

      I'm a brave soul when it comes to family, friends and work-related concerns. But when it comes to heart matters, I'm a helpless charlatan. Call it 'weak-hearted.' Call it 'novice.' I am a trauma stricken, genophobic, heartbroken female who is longing to see the future partner she wanted all along.

     I wish you are able to read this. But, you never really had the interest to get to know me or get close to me.

       Please help me to move on...