Personal ANNecdotes

March 28, 2019 You are human. And humans are born to feel. Is there a way to stop yourself from feeling the hurt and pain of losing someone? When you have little time to see that person's smile, hear his laughter or talk to you face to face with the bright sunshine on his eyes. I've been trying so hard to move through life, one day at a time, and put on a mask to let everyone see everything is alright. But beneath the calm facade, is a heart that is slowly breaking, bit by bit, knowing it will take time to heal before getting back to its once whole stage. He is leaving. And I don't have a choice but to watch him step out of the door, lost into oblivion, with our paths uncertain if they will ever cross in the coming days and years of our lives. Sometimes, there are just people who for some reason, become a special part of your life. Even when you are just watching them from afar. I have always wanted to make that first move. But, was afraid to be misunderstood and taken too easy in this patriarchal society we have. It is during this time that I wish I were a man. By then, I can get rid of the social stigma labelling women as easy when they make their first move toward their man. But, our positions have been interchanged. He was the man and I was the woman. And, my man is not moving though I've been praying for the past 2 years for him to initiate a plan. Ok. I get it. I guess he just doesn't seem interested at all. But, if I were the man in this instance, I will certainly do everything to win the heart of my woman. And if he were the woman, I will not just watch her walk away without doing anything for her to notice me. I wish you were the woman and I am the man. Because, if you were in my place, I would court you, give you my time and comfort, give you enough space to breath and enough distance to let you call me when you need someone to give you peace. I will call you. I will text you. Say sweet nothings to you. But most importantly, I would pray for you and with you when the toughest trials come beating you black and blue. I will be your shoulder to cry on when you can't stop the tears from flowing. I will give you a hug to keep your heart warm through the good and bad times of life. I will be your water when you feel thirsty for love and affection. I will be your most trusted confidante and bestfriend when you need a breather from the everyday toxicity of life. But, you were the man. And, you have chosen to just watch me without doing a thing. You don't know how many times I've wanted to cry on your shoulder and hug you especially when I miss you the most. You don't know how much I've wanted to offer my shoulder as well when I see you down and lonely and lost without direction. You don't know how many times I've watched you look throughout the window as if asking for enough space to breath when you feel suffocated and alone. And yes, I were the woman. Who had no choice but see you move on and leave without saying a word. Who can only cry helplessly every single day and night knowing how much I'll miss you. You don't know how much I am dying to hear you say you won't leave and you will just stay. But, I am not a selfish beast. I know you have your reasons for making this decision. And I can only wish you the best as you move through your next stages in life. But, things could have been so much better if at least we knew we care for each other. If, instead of just leaving me a glance or watching me intently, you would say the things you have in mind. I don't know exactly what to say when you look at me like that. Sorry, I also need to be honest because it's hard to laugh when you start cracking corny jokes and remarks. Your corny jokes won't stop me from loving or caring for you, though. If you have chosen to just say what you've always wanted and not just leave me hanging searching for clues to understand your actions, then we could have been counting days, months or even years together. Stop being cavalier and act like my future man. I am ready to love and accept you for who you are.