Personal ANNecdotes

Sometimes, you enter a phase in your life where you are not even aware you are becoming part of it.

When you just want to shun all those noise around you and listen to just one important voice that matters and stirs your emotions.

When you just want to sit and watch and not care about those people running around in circles, going frenetic over little, useless things that don't add meaning to life.

Welcome adulthood. It's that stage in life when you are comfortable with laughing at your small and even major follies while you were growing up as a kid. You see the same circumstances happen around you, see other kids and teens going through those same situations you've been in when you were at the same age and calmly laugh and tell that youngster, "It's okay. You'll get over it someday."

You become more understanding, more forgiving to those individuals who have unintentionally or intentionally hurt you because what matters is your peace of mind and not your selfish pride.

When quiet times become a blessing and not boring moments because you go through all the constant noise as you go about work, life and inevitable circumstances.

When minutes of sitting over a cup of coffee and idly watching people go around, or staying hooked to a good read or novel keeps you relaxed, refreshed and excited.

Adulthood is more of a stage where you lose much of your youthful energy, yet gain more of that old age wisdom to help you decide on the more important things.

But sometimes, maintaining that vibrant vigor does help you enjoy life more every single day.

I guess, I have accepted life as it is and preferred the peace and the calm that come along with old age. I am far from being a senior citizen yet, I am slowly embracing the fact that I too, will just be like those oldie folks I look up to when I was just a kid.

Welcome adulthood! Give me enough rest so I can continue to make the right decisions everyday.

I believe in love.

Even when I see myself currently unattached and uncommitted to someone.

I believe in love - - in all of its beauty, its warmth and that soft feeling of surrender knowing you can trust that someone. You call him your special person, that one you see yourself growing old with, sharing all those laughters, pains, tears and frustrations.

I believe in love. Even when it is the very thing that can crush my delicate heart and all its belief in a happily ever after. They say a fairy tale is impossible. But working on a relationship constantly is POSSIBLE.

I know I am not the best authority to speak about this. People say that single people know nothing about love. But, I firmly disagree with the common notion.

Love cannot be contained or defined in a single circumstance or situation. Love is not just about a boy and girl relationship. Indeed, it is the very string that draws families, friends and lovers together. Do not place love in the confines and context of a heterosexual relationship.

Love is more than that. It is both the strength and weakness of that individual who draws his or her motivation from it. Love is both positive and negative, light and shade, mirth and sorrow - - an awesome juxtaposition of extremes and contrasts.

I can't wait to find myself loving again. I know I am not currently in an ideal place to find my one true love and partner. But, my future decisions will lead me closer to that person.

I haven't seen your face. I do not even know your name. But, when the right circumstances bring themselves together, I know life itself will draw us closer. I don't mind making the first move. Do you mind making yours? 😊

I just need to have the courage to get myself completely free of my current place and situation.

I can't wait to see and meet you. I hope you are excited to get to know me as well.

**Random Musing last 12/28/2018

Kahit 'Di Naging Tayo

YOU

      To me, you are now just a memory. A wonderful memory that changed me into the person I am today.

      We did not end up together. In fact, there was never an 'US' in the first place.

      Yet, meeting you made me realize that I am a woman after all. When God sent you over, it made me realize how much I wanted to be in a relationship in the first place. Acknowledging your presence in my life changed me from the apathetic, unconscious girl to the now well-aware female who now dared to ask God the kind of man she wants in her life.

      I know you won't have the chance to read this. But, I have currently opened myself to dating sites and applications to meet males all over the world.

      I met and chatted with some of them and chanced upon one whom I've had deep conversations with. I admit, this is my first time in the dating scene.

      I haven't had the chance to speak with males for a good long time. But, with this one, we can talk for hours and stay awake late in the wee hours until morning. I am still guarding my heart. Yet, I won't pass up the chance. It's time to open my heart and let another person into it.

      This is my way of saying goodbye to you and all those beautiful memories, even if, there was never an us in the first place. I wish you a good life and I hope you enjoy your married state now.

     Bye, Raymond.

What It feels to be in Your Shoes

Where Home Is

I wonder where my home is.

Is it in a strange hidden woodland, deep into the forest with birds chirping daily and filled with the rustle of leaves and the quiet whispers of the streams? Is it in a faraway galaxy, filled with unknown people and untrudged terrains yet to be discovered? Is it on top of a secluded mountain where people utter a solemn prayer? I can go on with the picturesque descriptions. But, for me, there is only one definition for a home.

It is where your heart truly is.

It's a clichéd statement that even grade schoolers know. But, there is no other point that will best describe a home.

I wonder if my home is with you. It would be nice to build a future with a man you love so dearly - - you are willing to share every bit and piece of you. There will be no hesitations, second thoughts or anticipated regrets. Just inner peace and full confidence in the decision of entrusting your future to a person you see sharing your entire life with.

I have always wished for a man with a soft and kind heart toward children. He would not hesitate to give his time and patience to make his children happy.

When I was a kid, I barely recall my father giving me a piggy back ride. My mom once told me that he would carry me home on certain occasions. This is when streets get flooded due to rains in the metro. But, I wish I had more time spent with my dad.

Growing up, my father had always been away. He would often be on business trips and late night drinks with his Chinese friends. My father, also had Chinese blood running in him. Probably, that's why he got accepted in their exclusive club.

I remember wishing so hard for my father to be there on special occasions of my life. I don't see him frequently sharing the stage with me when I receive class honors and best in subjects awards. It was always my mom who put the medal on my neck or receive the certificates.

I wanted to share my tormenting experiences and have him protect me from all those bullies who took pleasure in belittling and insulting me.

I wanted a father who would hug me, kiss me and reassure me that everything will be alright inspite of the trauma that was deeply inflicted in me.

I needed a man, a good example to show me that not all males are assholes, perverts and sexual addicts who want nothing from women but, their private parts.

That's why, the only thing I long for my future children is a father who would not hesitate in giving his love and affection to his offspring. I want my kids to experience the very things that I never had the luxury to have.

I don't exactly need a wealthy husband. I just need a responsible man who can comfortably provide the needs of his family even without owning billions in his bank account.

I envision a loving, warm and secure home where children can freely live, grow and dream to be who they want to be.

But, it is so hard to find an unselfish man nowadays. Due to corrupt mass media influences and incorrect patriarchal upbringing, you'll find lots of men who would rather gratify their selfish desires than sacrifice to protect and honour the family they had.

I am not sure where and how to find you. But God, will know exactly when should our paths cross. For now, I will stop wondering and sleep over these thoughts.

Maybe, just maybe, you will find your way across my posts one of these days... 

Love will Find a Way

    Do you believe in the idea of love finding a way? I used to believe in it when I was younger - - a naivete bombarded with idealistic concepts.

  Time taught me better. It went from one disappointment to another, one heartache to the next to have the lessons sink in. The stupid girl got her heart broken time and again without getting herself into a clear relationship in the first place. The closest one was getting into a 'mutual understanding' stage with a former teammate.

     It ended with the guy telling her he may not be the right one for her. That she is better off meeting another person who will be her 'Mr. Right.'

     So, what exactly is wrong with me? I guess, it was due to a childhood trauma that I had a hard time dealing with. Since this is my silent confine in this virtual space, then it wouldn't hurt spilling the beans here.

     I was 'almost' raped. I can clearly remember the event when I was still a young girl. One of our close relatives was with us and initiated a game with me and my sister. It was a game that involved 'private parts' stimulation.

      He touched us here and there and rubbed his own on our 'private spot.' I was a kid back then. I had nil knowledge about sex, foreplay and sexual stimulation. So, the play went on without us understanding he was already taking advantage of our innocence. He was close to taking off our underwears when my father entered the scene. He went upstairs to check on us which stopped our relative from completing his 'lascivious act.'

     I never had the courage to tell my parents about this painful memory. I was left to suffer in silence, gagged the truth and lived in torment all my teenage and college years. The feeling of seeing sex as dirty has been deeply imbued in my mind. 

   Whenever a guy classmate or friend started showing more than ' filial affection,' I would end up drawing away, moving further and running from him without acknowledging his feelings. I had several guys who showed me they really cared for me and would like me to be their girlfriend. But, the cycle of being on defense mode and running away went on.

       I was close to seeking professional psychological help when I became a professional myself. The childhood trauma cannot help but, manifest itself in all my 'non-filial' interactions. I wanted to open up and give myself - - mind, heart, body and soul to my future man. But, I cannot convince myself to trust in any man completely - - not when a male from their very own species had almost taken the most essential part of my feminity. He took my innocence, my freedom and my ability to love and trust another of his species because of his selfishness.

      It was hard to believe in the idea that a man would love, protect and cherish me. It is difficult for those who never went through this experience to understand how hard it is for me to have a relationship. Relationships involve commitments - - close ties which will involve holistic sharing of yourself. Mind, heart and soul will not suffice. There will come times when the body needs to also manifest the desire to be one with your partner. My trauma had dissociated the aspect of me physically sharing myself to my beloved.

     Kissing and foreplay would be difficult. Most importantly, showing my vulnerability is almost close to impossible. I cannot soften up and show my beloved that I need him, want him and care for him. The defense caused by my childhood trauma created a strong enclosure preventing men from getting to the softest, most vulnerable parts of my soul. This is why I have always informed my friends that my reason for not having a partner boils down to 'trust issues.' I don't want to see myself helpless, clueless and feeling like a rotten scumbag the way I did when I was younger.

     I have always prayed to God to give me a man who will have enough courage to break and tear my strong enclosure. I am not a damsel in distress. But, I am currently encaged in an invisible fortress that men find hard to penetrate.

     I have always believed that love will indeed find a way. That one day, someone would be brave enough to break these walls and free my heart from the loneliness it feels.

      But, it always ends up with liking someone wholeheartedly, unable to express my affection and seeing that future partner disappear into oblivion. I really don't want to cry anymore. Yet, I guess, it would be good to finally face my fears, listen to these repressed emotions and allow myself to be free from these emotional shackles. I know I've been hurt and disappointed time and again. And that ideal partner whom I have imagined my future with, just left without knowing how much I 've wanted to have a life and future with him.

      I know he has been actively dating girls now and then, even during work hours. Sometimes, I wish he would find the time to ask me out. Maybe then, he would stop searching around because he had finally found the one. But, I am scared and up to now, cannot push myself to even press the 'Wave' button on Messenger. I really hate myself for being a coward.

      I'm a brave soul when it comes to family, friends and work-related concerns. But when it comes to heart matters, I'm a helpless charlatan. Call it 'weak-hearted.' Call it 'novice.' I am a trauma stricken, genophobic, heartbroken female who is longing to see the future partner she wanted all along.

     I wish you are able to read this. But, you never really had the interest to get to know me or get close to me.

       Please help me to move on... 

Where are you?

   I need someone to hold me and comfort me in one of my deepest, darkest hours. When I've been working so hard to stay positive, remain calm and look at the bright side of life.

   I feel so lonely that I am so close to wishing this all ends.

   I feel so empty and tired waiting for someone who I am not aware of whereabouts.

   I feel sad to the point that I want to come knocking loudly at your house, give you a big hug and surprise you with a long, sweet kiss just to let you know I am here.

   Where are you when I needed you the most? You suddenly left without saying whether I can hold on to a future with 'us' in the equation.

   I miss you so much. I think I am close to going insane because my mind would hallucinate over people who seem to have the same body shape as you. I would sometimes look closely at chubby guys who would move to the printer waiting for their documents. Sometimes, I would even give a second glance on males who wore the same shirt patterns you've used hoping it would be you all along.

   How I wished it was you. How I wished you knew how much suffering I am going through now because I really, really miss you.

   But, my words will go unread on this empty virtual space. And, my thoughts will go unsaid just like the last glance I made when you stepped out of the office and past the glass door.

   I wanted to run and stop you in your tracks, go with you to your car and allow me to take you to whatever place in the world will we find ourselves to. Just for once, I wanted to step out of the goody two shoes and be crazy like a lovestruck teenager once and for all.

   For once, I don't care if we would make out in the car, go on an unprecedented one night stand and allow you to leave me spent, tired but, warmed in those gentle, loving arms.

   Look who's talking now - - the immaculate virgin who never had sexual contact with a man for once in her life. She is crying out like a wild woman run loose fearing no societal standards, taboos or judgmental minds.

   For now, she just wants to be a woman, a woman loved by her very own man. A woman who even if she had never experienced being in a relationship once, still wanted to be like any normal female who would do everything to please and keep her man.

   A woman who even if society had forbidden her taking the initial move, is now freely fantasizing about a future with the husband she had longed for years hence.

   She is free to speak her mind on this virtual parchment. She is free to blot the blank spaces with random, but sharp words. She is an intelligent being who sees the future, looks back to the past and lives in the present to cherish all the moments they've had.

   She misses you so much. How she wished words were enough to show how much she cared and was saddened with your sudden absence in her life.


   I wanted to say these words even though, I know you will never have the chance to read them.

   I want to cry out as much and as hard as I can until I don't feel anything. For now, I will allow myself to go numb and imagine your arms encircled around me, giving me that warm embrace I've been longing for - - then, now and tomorrow.

ALAMAT NG 'SANA'

Binabagabag ng mga tanong at alinlangan,
Ang mga bulong na ibinato sa kawalan.
Kung sana tinapangan ko ang loob ko't lumaban,
Pinigilan kang umalis at ako'y iwan.

Kung sana, hinabol kita hanggang pintuan,
Bago mo ipinid ang tarangkahan.
Disin sana'y kasama ka at nalaman,
Ang tunay na laman ng puso mo't isipan.

Ramdam ko ang pagkabagabag ng kalooban,
Pagdadalawang-isip humakbang palayo kung saanman.
Gusto kong pigilan ka at sabihan,
'Mahal na mahal kita. Please,' wag mo akong iwan. '

' Di mo nakita ang luhaan kong mukha,
Nang sa huling pagsilip ko'y wala ka na.
Alam ko, sa'yong pag-alis, wala ng balikan,
Dahil pinili mong lumayo at talikuran ang lahat.

Sana pinaramdam ko sa' yong nandito lang ako,
Makikinig sa lahat ng hinaing mo.
Pati sa walang kalatuy-latoy mong mga biro,
At walang sawa mong paulit-ulit na kwento.

Kung alam mo lang, hanggang ngayon, umiiyak pa rin ako.
Dahil may isang mahalagang nawala sa buhay ko.
Pwede ko pa namang ipaglaban ang ikaw at ako,
Para sa kinabukasan, tatanawin nating sabay ang 'tayo.'

-- for RGL

Safe Haven

Melancholy

I need a friend.

I need a physical companion, someone who has a sturdy and warm shoulder to offer. I need those shoulders to cry on.

I have been going through so much that I don't know where to ask for strength at this moment.

I've been constantly praying to God. But, I am at this point where a visible listener with physical presence is most welcome.

Someone who would tell me everything will be okay inspite of all the tears that are coming down on my face. Someone who would hug me and reassure me this is just one random storm that will pass over after the night. Someone who would kiss me on the cheek and make me feel how happy it is to be loved and taken care of.

Someone who would be there for me through all ups, downs and turnarounds of my life.

I badly needed a friend and companion right now. I feel like life is closing in on me and troubles related to work and personal matters are hitting me left and right. Make it a jab and a low blow sometimes.

I feel so exhausted to the point that I want to end things now and never wake up again tomorrow.

When will all of these stop? I just wish I could finally rest, close my eyes and never see the light of day again.

But, giving up on life is a cowardly stance. Lashes and pitfalls will appear out of nowhere every now and then. I wish I could be the exact replica of that companion whom I have been longing to have.

I wish to find you as early as now.

My Old Self in Social Media

Here's proof that I am just like any man or woman out there - - a social media account.

Let me call that a soon-to-be defunct social media account. A few days ago, I've formally declared myself an antagonist of this multimedia platform. But, there are far too many beautiful (and painful) memories that were contained in this one. I just don't have enough strength to finally hit the 'Delete Account' button and say good riddance to it once and for all.

Several nights ago, 2 or 3 months to be precise, I went on addict mode and decided to take screenshots of my old posts. Most were taken way back 10 years ago, in 2009 to be exact.

Looking back made me realize how EMO I was back then. The emotional spirit cannot help itself but, manifest in my younger self posts.

A month after his death, Facebook had successfully reached our humble publication office. It started with one of my former editors. They initiated the craze of getting ourselves signed up, geared up and posted on this social media site. I was still nursing a broken heart then. So, please excuse the melancholy noted on the first two statuses.

"The cosmos has dictated our fate."

Cosmos is another word for 'universe.' I knew back then that the world had its reasons for certain events. I have fully resigned myself that time to the idea that we were never meant to be together in this lifetime. You need to understand that I am far from recovering from his unexpected demise that time.

The post was created almost 3 months after he died. Behind that lonely status is a young girl who cried almost every hour wondering how she would get herself through to another day. Every day, she imagined how she would die just to be with him. To push the suicidal thoughts and find the strength to move on, she had decided to go to the nearest church or prayer room to contemplate and ask God for courage.

It went on for several more years with her getting close to thinking that she may be going insane. But, as life went on, she matured and understood that it was part of the moving on stage. When your heart is broken, you need to be kind to yourself by allowing the tears to flow. It's better to have a confidante to tell your stories to. In my case, I turned to blogging when I felt some of my trusted friends are getting drained.

Loneliness is a powerful emotion. It will rub on to other people even when they are on hype mode. I knew back then that people can only take so much of one's pain and anxiety. You need to throw it to a neutral medium such as a blog account or a personal journal to let all of the emotions out.

"True love knows no space, boundary or time."

When you love someone, the feeling resides in the heart even when the physical presence is gone. As the one left behind, you have no choice but to savor and remember every remnant and memory that the one you love has implanted in your mind.

You thought a year is enough to recover, until, you find yourself counting on to days, months and years that go by. Moving on is not time sensitive. Only the brokenhearted will understand when the time to move on has come. In my case, it took me 4 painful years to finally let go and breath normally again.

Loneliness can be emotionally suffocating. It's like getting your hands, feet and heart tied hoping you can get yourself moving. But, you are left to stay in the same old place until the time to get going has arrived.

I was also wishing and praying to God back then to allow me to speak to him. If I were in my normal mind, I would have never asked Him to grant that wish. I would be scared to the bones knowing I am seeing and conversing with spirits of dead people.

Reality bites because we know we have no means of relaying our messages from the physical to the spiritual realms. I even bought a book more than a year after hoping it would teach how to speak to the dead. James Van Praagh is lucky enough to have it.

Apparently, it wasn't a gift that most people had. It takes the gift of being a spiritual medium to speak to them. James van Praagh was a lucky guy.

I ended up giving it to one of my friends in my current industry. We met a year after her mother died. She had a lung disease which caused her untimely demise.

I knew she needed the book more than I did. It had been sitting on our shelf, dusty and almost forgotten for years. I have already moved on by the time we met. So, I have given the book to her because it will help with the coping process.

Sometimes, reminiscing the past helps you remind yourself of who you were, who you are and who you will be in the coming years. When you know you have surmounted an almost impossible mountain, you will have the confidence to conquer and overturn future challenges awaiting you ahead.

By the way, I have already learned the cause of my persistent backache for days. When the results came out, it turned out that I had lumbar scoliosis.

I know this is another challenge that I need to surmount. But, since I am looking forward to preparing our breakfast tomorrow, I will have to temporarily rest my pen.

See you, better self. Life will only get better ahead.

A Week without Mom

A few hours ago, my mother requested me to book her a Grab ride to NAIA terminal 3. Mind you, the amount was hefty. Her ride costed 433 pesos even on a GrabShare slot.

Like a giddy girl, my mom had been looking forward to this one. She is destined to go to Leyte, her childhood home.

My mom, of course, is a true blood Bisaya. Even after spending years in Manila, her Bisaya accent is unmistakably distinct when she is not conscious with what she is saying. My sister, the third among a brood of 4 girls, would often tease her when she catches her off guard. She would often shove her and declare with conviction that she hailed from Tacloban. The accent will remain for as long as she lives.

Honestly, I am beginning to miss her a lot. She had been just a few hours away from home and her absence is felt really bad. I'm not used to being in the house without her.

I'm not saying I'm a perfect daughter. We randomly have squabbles every now and then, when she successfully ticks off my patience. For some unknown reason, only my mom is good enough to unleash the 'beast' in me. I can't help shooting stinging words when the beast mode turns on. The end result would be, her crying helplessly because the 'rude' daughter had forgotten who is the child and who is the mother. Call it 'biological hierarchy.' I'm sorry. Sometimes, I forget being careful with words when in rage mode.

I was planning to go with her. But, the reality of being a working girl holds me accountable to my deliverables. I can't disappear in the office for a full good week without spending much of my vacation leaves.

My relationship with my mother is the perfect mix of what you call a 'love-hate relationship.' Sometimes, I hate her. Especially when she points out things in the past which happened eons ago (excuse the hyperbole). There have been things that you've outgrown in the past as a child and a teenager. But, she keeps bringing them back like they happened just a few minutes ago. I also hate it when she goes on the nonstop frenzy of scolding you all day. I end up leaving the house or nooking silently in a corner, quietly listening to her rants and praying endlessly for her to stop. The situation gets better for me when I am out of the house. But, lo and behold, she is still not done upon your return. And the worst part? It gets extended the next day and even the whole week with her nerves on the rise whenever she sees you.

Call me a masochist. But I guess, that is also my mother's charm. I am so used to her attitude that it's something I miss in her when she's not around.

Yet, most of the time, I am in love with her. Especially when she prepares us breakfast, cleans the house, tidies our beddings, folds our clothings and calls up every time we go home late at night. My work as an IT support dictated a non-conventional clock. Sometimes, I will have to stay up late for a meeting with our US counterparts. Of course, you know the drill. We, Filipinos, do the adjustment most of the time. So, if I am starting to become an insomniac, blame it on the crazy body clock which my current work developed in me. I end up missing her momentary phone calls, missed calls and text messages whenever I am not yet at home.

Sometimes, I would fondly call her 'Mama' for no reason. I miss being her little girl. I would love to cuddle her close like nobody else meant more in this world. But, my current body size wouldn't allow me to curl up safely in her arms lest, she gets crushed with the latest weight I have.

I miss being safe and secure in her gentle arms. I know that one of the safest places in this world is a mother's arms. I am currently going through a lot of tough times in my work and my personal life. Quarter life crisis may be slowly hitting me now.

My current relationship status may never be called 'conventional.' An adult my age is expected to get married, have kids and join the good housewife club at this point. But, I am an NBSB with almost zero plans of getting hitched at the moment.

Sometimes, I wonder how my mom triumphed over her married and parent stages. For someone like me who had never been in a relationship, marriage is a serious commitment. It's some thing you don't want to mess with if you still have plenty of plans in life.

Probably, I was lucky for not meeting Mr. Right yet at this point. But, I may have also met him. However, it was him who was not ready for me. Since marriage is indeed a commitment, I can see her sticking up to it even if loving my father was hard sometimes. I'm not sure if it would be easy for me by the time the right one asks for my hand.

Going back, since my mom would be gone for the week, I am expecting the house to be in minor ruckus. Of course, I would deal with the simple task of putting things in their places and sweeping the floors now and then. I also take care of the dishes when she is not there. But, since I cannot stay for long in the house and I also have tasks in my work, I really cannot spend enough time to keep things spic and span.

She knows what to expect by the time she comes back. And my same old mother would be in riot mode when she sees the house all jumbled and in shambles.
 😂😂😂

2019.05.23

Insomniac's Pondering

I am starting to get into the habit of staying until the wee hours of the night and hooked into my personal blackhole - - my blog.

A blackhole, according to science, is the remnants of the explosion of a supermassive star after closing in on its own gravitational force. (Whew! Spare me the epistaxial moment. Thank you NASA for the flabbergasting definition.)

To me, this blog allows me to be in constant touch with my inner self - - that part which you choose to hush when you engage in the corporate rat race.

Honestly, I am beginning to get suffocated with how the workplace moves. People find it hard to believe in honest reasoning when a person takes absence for quite some time.

Blame it on the excruciating back ache I've been experiencing for several days now. I sought the service of a masseuse to take care of the chronic 'lamig' invading my muscles and lumps. It turned out, things got worse than expected. Here I was hopeful to finally rid myself of the annoying pain disturbing my serene being, only to find out, I'll end up being SL for 2 days and working from home on the remaining ones.

What disturbed me is the fact that I have several emails and tickets piled up to be worked on (as expected). My teammates, after learning I was active and responded every now and then, took advantage of the situation and followed me up on my pending deliverables. That's why I immediately told my lead I could not afford to be out sick for the remaining days. I have lots of 'ardent' (read:suki) clients to take care of.

But, it is so hard to be active and productive when you are feeling excruciating pain behind you. Now, I've realized that it is hardest to concentrate when you are experiencing extreme backache. I have also worked on occassions while having coughs and colds. But, back pain is by far, the most irritating and undeniably, a productivity culprit I have encountered so far.

I wanted to understand what's wrong with my body. My mom said this could be persistent 'lamig.' But, I can't help anticipating the worst conditions so far. I am starting to think this could be scoliosis, slip disc or a minor back injury. Yet, at the end of the day, I wanted it to end up as a persistent 'lamig' instead.

Am I stressed over my piled up deliverables? Or is it because of the heartache which remains hidden within the confines of my soul? (Too deep. I don't want this to turn melancholic.)

Somehow, the monologue I am having with myself through this blog is helping me overcome and face the adverse situations I am in now.

I hope my lead sees my efforts in trying to get myself to the next level. But, the past few days, I admit screwing up due to the mixed physical and emotional turmoils I found myself in now.

Nobody wanted this situation. Yet, challenges come in once in a while to test and help us endure.

For now, I will pause with this random wondering. I am starting to feel Hypnos' charm lulling me close to sleep...

2019.05.22