2019.05.22
If you want something, say it out loud and let the universe hear what is in your heart.
Since this is my safe haven and only few know of this blog's existence, I'm going to say it out loud.
I love you, Raymond.
I am shy and I have never been in a relationship. I don't know how to approach you. I don't know how to let you know how I feel. I am scared that you might misunderstand me and if I had initiated the move, you might think I am desperate to have you.
You are the first in this project to make me feel we had a connection. The moment I saw you in that elevator, I already felt there is something between us that is ready to blossom any moment.
I am not yet in love with you at that time. But, you are the first person I have scrutinized while we shared that elevator ride. I don't usually take notice of people, even my team mates during those circumstances. But with you, that moment was different. I immediately noticed your shoes, your jeans and your top while making your way inside the lift.
It was like a slow motion event. And, if you will by chance, pass by this hidden blog post, you'll find out by now what my first impression was about you. The first word that came to mind was 'fashion disaster.' You wore a pretty formal top, mixed with jeans and a blue topsider with shoe laces.
I secretly thought, you had a nice long sleeved white polo, but had it matched with the wrong pair of shoes. I internally groaned because I wanted to suggest a better pair for that awesome top.
Several months passed by and I never took notice of you. It was only during that meeting for Ambe's anticipated visit that I had the realization of seeing your existence in my life.
While everyone took their places on the seats and the floor, a young man went in navy blue, striped polo shirt. He looked pristine and immaculate. You have a pretty fair, radiant skin which surprised me all of a sudden.
While my ears are busy listening to the details of the event, my eyes, on the other hand, are fixed on you alone. My personal preference included chinky-eyed, fair and medium to tall guys. And you, my love, belong to that category. I am not shortlisting people to fall in love with. It just happened that I commonly like cutie chinitos by chance.
My feelings for you grew fonder over time. You were kind enough to approve my training requests and allowed me to take the CCCRM and AWS sessions as well.
I wanted to give you a big hug and kiss on the cheeks to say my thanks. But, you are my manager. And, I would like to avoid being tagged as a pervert in the workplace.
Additionally, you have handpicked me to represent the project Run/Maintain team in the company's internal audit. Honestly, I never expected you had me as your personal choice. A few people involved in the selection told me and were also surprised with your sudden suggestion. I never knew you had that faith in me. Thank you.
I also wanted to give you a sweet kiss on the cheeks when you have chosen me to teach the Customer 101 training. It made me feel you had confidence in me and it boosted my self-esteem. I wanted to tell you by then that in the future, you will be a supportive boyfriend and hubby. That's why I named a folder on my phone as 'My Future Habi.' Guess whose pictures are in them. 😜
During Dianne's personal meeting with the project, I also felt a strong connection with you. It was unexpected because they have pointed me to where the food was. I was looking for spicy chicken at that time. And, you willingly offered yours even though you had no idea if yours was spicy as well. I have accepted your offer amidst all the cajoling and cheering we heard from everyone in the room. They knew I was single and would throw me as a pawn to any single guy out there. By the way, it turned out, yours was regular chicken as well.
When we both went to our seats to get ready for the meeting, you were just staring at me and observing what I would be doing next. I'm not sure if you are waiting for me to touch my food. I have decided to take my drink then because the event was about to start. Lo and behold, you kept staring at me while I was drinking from the straw. I don't know what your intention was for doing that to me. But, probably, you were planning to take your meal but, was waiting for someone to join you then.
Your own people's hour was definitely unforgettable. People threw you a question about choosing between a cherry or apple. And you said, cherry after a few minutes of silence. I'm not sure why it took you a while to give your answer. Were you scared to be misjudged? Or were you thinking of what to say next in case a supplementary question comes up? Whatever your intention was, I simply had no idea. But, it made me really glad to know you were single at that time as well.
You don't know how heartbroken I was after learning you have filed your resignation from your post. You made your big announcement during our project month-end meeting with no remorse.
Thankfully, I was working from home then and had to hear the bad news online through Skype instead. I was on mute while listening to your announcement. After your words sank in, the tears came rushing by all of a sudden. I was crying and sobbing at the same time in our room. I am just fortunate to have only my nephew with me during your tragic moment.
You may not be aware that a woman's heart had been savagely bruised and torn when you said your final goodbyes. But, I can see it coming.
The past few months before your resignation, I can sense your distance from the project. You used to ask people to play with you at night on certain events. You even hosted some activities to get everyone engaged as well. But, on your last few months, you were often out and would nook quietly in a meeting room during your work hours. I can feel your struggle with people.
It seems like you can't get a popular rate to get everybody on the same bandwagon. I have always wanted to approach you and encourage you. I wanted to say, 'It' s ok. You can make it. ' But, it' s a tough world in the corporate race. We need to live with societal standards. A rank and file employee needs to maintain distance from a manager.
So when you broke your silence, I was not surprised about it. What affected me most though is the fact that I will never be able to see you again in the coming days and years of my corporate life.
You have stirred a fire in my soul. You have served as my inspiration during drought seasons. You made me realize it is possible to love again after several years of not feeling any particular emotion.
You are my current love and I am still thinking whether to leave things be or fight for you. I may not be aware of this. It could be possible that you are dating somebody else. I have disconnected from my social media accounts because I wanted to forget you once and for all.
But, my subliminal thoughts would somehow lead me to you. In the middle of waking or sleeping, it's what you call half-asleep. Sometimes, I would consciously stop myself from looking at the place where you were previously seated. I would like to initiate the moving on process. Yet, I found myself stuck in the middle and I cannot move any further for now.
Here's my subconscious mind wishing you'll have the curiosity and time to go over my hidden blog posts. I am waiting for you to find me, sweetheart...
Here's my subconscious mind wishing you'll have the curiosity and time to go over my hidden blog posts. I am waiting for you to find me, sweetheart...
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