Personal ANNecdotes

YOU

      To me, you are now just a memory. A wonderful memory that changed me into the person I am today.

      We did not end up together. In fact, there was never an 'US' in the first place.

      Yet, meeting you made me realize that I am a woman after all. When God sent you over, it made me realize how much I wanted to be in a relationship in the first place. Acknowledging your presence in my life changed me from the apathetic, unconscious girl to the now well-aware female who now dared to ask God the kind of man she wants in her life.

      I know you won't have the chance to read this. But, I have currently opened myself to dating sites and applications to meet males all over the world.

      I met and chatted with some of them and chanced upon one whom I've had deep conversations with. I admit, this is my first time in the dating scene.

      I haven't had the chance to speak with males for a good long time. But, with this one, we can talk for hours and stay awake late in the wee hours until morning. I am still guarding my heart. Yet, I won't pass up the chance. It's time to open my heart and let another person into it.

      This is my way of saying goodbye to you and all those beautiful memories, even if, there was never an us in the first place. I wish you a good life and I hope you enjoy your married state now.

     Bye, Raymond.

What It feels to be in Your Shoes

Where Home Is

I wonder where my home is.

Is it in a strange hidden woodland, deep into the forest with birds chirping daily and filled with the rustle of leaves and the quiet whispers of the streams? Is it in a faraway galaxy, filled with unknown people and untrudged terrains yet to be discovered? Is it on top of a secluded mountain where people utter a solemn prayer? I can go on with the picturesque descriptions. But, for me, there is only one definition for a home.

It is where your heart truly is.

It's a clichéd statement that even grade schoolers know. But, there is no other point that will best describe a home.

I wonder if my home is with you. It would be nice to build a future with a man you love so dearly - - you are willing to share every bit and piece of you. There will be no hesitations, second thoughts or anticipated regrets. Just inner peace and full confidence in the decision of entrusting your future to a person you see sharing your entire life with.

I have always wished for a man with a soft and kind heart toward children. He would not hesitate to give his time and patience to make his children happy.

When I was a kid, I barely recall my father giving me a piggy back ride. My mom once told me that he would carry me home on certain occasions. This is when streets get flooded due to rains in the metro. But, I wish I had more time spent with my dad.

Growing up, my father had always been away. He would often be on business trips and late night drinks with his Chinese friends. My father, also had Chinese blood running in him. Probably, that's why he got accepted in their exclusive club.

I remember wishing so hard for my father to be there on special occasions of my life. I don't see him frequently sharing the stage with me when I receive class honors and best in subjects awards. It was always my mom who put the medal on my neck or receive the certificates.

I wanted to share my tormenting experiences and have him protect me from all those bullies who took pleasure in belittling and insulting me.

I wanted a father who would hug me, kiss me and reassure me that everything will be alright inspite of the trauma that was deeply inflicted in me.

I needed a man, a good example to show me that not all males are assholes, perverts and sexual addicts who want nothing from women but, their private parts.

That's why, the only thing I long for my future children is a father who would not hesitate in giving his love and affection to his offspring. I want my kids to experience the very things that I never had the luxury to have.

I don't exactly need a wealthy husband. I just need a responsible man who can comfortably provide the needs of his family even without owning billions in his bank account.

I envision a loving, warm and secure home where children can freely live, grow and dream to be who they want to be.

But, it is so hard to find an unselfish man nowadays. Due to corrupt mass media influences and incorrect patriarchal upbringing, you'll find lots of men who would rather gratify their selfish desires than sacrifice to protect and honour the family they had.

I am not sure where and how to find you. But God, will know exactly when should our paths cross. For now, I will stop wondering and sleep over these thoughts.

Maybe, just maybe, you will find your way across my posts one of these days... 

Love will Find a Way

    Do you believe in the idea of love finding a way? I used to believe in it when I was younger - - a naivete bombarded with idealistic concepts.

  Time taught me better. It went from one disappointment to another, one heartache to the next to have the lessons sink in. The stupid girl got her heart broken time and again without getting herself into a clear relationship in the first place. The closest one was getting into a 'mutual understanding' stage with a former teammate.

     It ended with the guy telling her he may not be the right one for her. That she is better off meeting another person who will be her 'Mr. Right.'

     So, what exactly is wrong with me? I guess, it was due to a childhood trauma that I had a hard time dealing with. Since this is my silent confine in this virtual space, then it wouldn't hurt spilling the beans here.

     I was 'almost' raped. I can clearly remember the event when I was still a young girl. One of our close relatives was with us and initiated a game with me and my sister. It was a game that involved 'private parts' stimulation.

      He touched us here and there and rubbed his own on our 'private spot.' I was a kid back then. I had nil knowledge about sex, foreplay and sexual stimulation. So, the play went on without us understanding he was already taking advantage of our innocence. He was close to taking off our underwears when my father entered the scene. He went upstairs to check on us which stopped our relative from completing his 'lascivious act.'

     I never had the courage to tell my parents about this painful memory. I was left to suffer in silence, gagged the truth and lived in torment all my teenage and college years. The feeling of seeing sex as dirty has been deeply imbued in my mind. 

   Whenever a guy classmate or friend started showing more than ' filial affection,' I would end up drawing away, moving further and running from him without acknowledging his feelings. I had several guys who showed me they really cared for me and would like me to be their girlfriend. But, the cycle of being on defense mode and running away went on.

       I was close to seeking professional psychological help when I became a professional myself. The childhood trauma cannot help but, manifest itself in all my 'non-filial' interactions. I wanted to open up and give myself - - mind, heart, body and soul to my future man. But, I cannot convince myself to trust in any man completely - - not when a male from their very own species had almost taken the most essential part of my feminity. He took my innocence, my freedom and my ability to love and trust another of his species because of his selfishness.

      It was hard to believe in the idea that a man would love, protect and cherish me. It is difficult for those who never went through this experience to understand how hard it is for me to have a relationship. Relationships involve commitments - - close ties which will involve holistic sharing of yourself. Mind, heart and soul will not suffice. There will come times when the body needs to also manifest the desire to be one with your partner. My trauma had dissociated the aspect of me physically sharing myself to my beloved.

     Kissing and foreplay would be difficult. Most importantly, showing my vulnerability is almost close to impossible. I cannot soften up and show my beloved that I need him, want him and care for him. The defense caused by my childhood trauma created a strong enclosure preventing men from getting to the softest, most vulnerable parts of my soul. This is why I have always informed my friends that my reason for not having a partner boils down to 'trust issues.' I don't want to see myself helpless, clueless and feeling like a rotten scumbag the way I did when I was younger.

     I have always prayed to God to give me a man who will have enough courage to break and tear my strong enclosure. I am not a damsel in distress. But, I am currently encaged in an invisible fortress that men find hard to penetrate.

     I have always believed that love will indeed find a way. That one day, someone would be brave enough to break these walls and free my heart from the loneliness it feels.

      But, it always ends up with liking someone wholeheartedly, unable to express my affection and seeing that future partner disappear into oblivion. I really don't want to cry anymore. Yet, I guess, it would be good to finally face my fears, listen to these repressed emotions and allow myself to be free from these emotional shackles. I know I've been hurt and disappointed time and again. And that ideal partner whom I have imagined my future with, just left without knowing how much I 've wanted to have a life and future with him.

      I know he has been actively dating girls now and then, even during work hours. Sometimes, I wish he would find the time to ask me out. Maybe then, he would stop searching around because he had finally found the one. But, I am scared and up to now, cannot push myself to even press the 'Wave' button on Messenger. I really hate myself for being a coward.

      I'm a brave soul when it comes to family, friends and work-related concerns. But when it comes to heart matters, I'm a helpless charlatan. Call it 'weak-hearted.' Call it 'novice.' I am a trauma stricken, genophobic, heartbroken female who is longing to see the future partner she wanted all along.

     I wish you are able to read this. But, you never really had the interest to get to know me or get close to me.

       Please help me to move on... 

Where are you?

   I need someone to hold me and comfort me in one of my deepest, darkest hours. When I've been working so hard to stay positive, remain calm and look at the bright side of life.

   I feel so lonely that I am so close to wishing this all ends.

   I feel so empty and tired waiting for someone who I am not aware of whereabouts.

   I feel sad to the point that I want to come knocking loudly at your house, give you a big hug and surprise you with a long, sweet kiss just to let you know I am here.

   Where are you when I needed you the most? You suddenly left without saying whether I can hold on to a future with 'us' in the equation.

   I miss you so much. I think I am close to going insane because my mind would hallucinate over people who seem to have the same body shape as you. I would sometimes look closely at chubby guys who would move to the printer waiting for their documents. Sometimes, I would even give a second glance on males who wore the same shirt patterns you've used hoping it would be you all along.

   How I wished it was you. How I wished you knew how much suffering I am going through now because I really, really miss you.

   But, my words will go unread on this empty virtual space. And, my thoughts will go unsaid just like the last glance I made when you stepped out of the office and past the glass door.

   I wanted to run and stop you in your tracks, go with you to your car and allow me to take you to whatever place in the world will we find ourselves to. Just for once, I wanted to step out of the goody two shoes and be crazy like a lovestruck teenager once and for all.

   For once, I don't care if we would make out in the car, go on an unprecedented one night stand and allow you to leave me spent, tired but, warmed in those gentle, loving arms.

   Look who's talking now - - the immaculate virgin who never had sexual contact with a man for once in her life. She is crying out like a wild woman run loose fearing no societal standards, taboos or judgmental minds.

   For now, she just wants to be a woman, a woman loved by her very own man. A woman who even if she had never experienced being in a relationship once, still wanted to be like any normal female who would do everything to please and keep her man.

   A woman who even if society had forbidden her taking the initial move, is now freely fantasizing about a future with the husband she had longed for years hence.

   She is free to speak her mind on this virtual parchment. She is free to blot the blank spaces with random, but sharp words. She is an intelligent being who sees the future, looks back to the past and lives in the present to cherish all the moments they've had.

   She misses you so much. How she wished words were enough to show how much she cared and was saddened with your sudden absence in her life.


   I wanted to say these words even though, I know you will never have the chance to read them.

   I want to cry out as much and as hard as I can until I don't feel anything. For now, I will allow myself to go numb and imagine your arms encircled around me, giving me that warm embrace I've been longing for - - then, now and tomorrow.

ALAMAT NG 'SANA'

Binabagabag ng mga tanong at alinlangan,
Ang mga bulong na ibinato sa kawalan.
Kung sana tinapangan ko ang loob ko't lumaban,
Pinigilan kang umalis at ako'y iwan.

Kung sana, hinabol kita hanggang pintuan,
Bago mo ipinid ang tarangkahan.
Disin sana'y kasama ka at nalaman,
Ang tunay na laman ng puso mo't isipan.

Ramdam ko ang pagkabagabag ng kalooban,
Pagdadalawang-isip humakbang palayo kung saanman.
Gusto kong pigilan ka at sabihan,
'Mahal na mahal kita. Please,' wag mo akong iwan. '

' Di mo nakita ang luhaan kong mukha,
Nang sa huling pagsilip ko'y wala ka na.
Alam ko, sa'yong pag-alis, wala ng balikan,
Dahil pinili mong lumayo at talikuran ang lahat.

Sana pinaramdam ko sa' yong nandito lang ako,
Makikinig sa lahat ng hinaing mo.
Pati sa walang kalatuy-latoy mong mga biro,
At walang sawa mong paulit-ulit na kwento.

Kung alam mo lang, hanggang ngayon, umiiyak pa rin ako.
Dahil may isang mahalagang nawala sa buhay ko.
Pwede ko pa namang ipaglaban ang ikaw at ako,
Para sa kinabukasan, tatanawin nating sabay ang 'tayo.'

-- for RGL

Safe Haven